Sheboygan Locals & Visitors Guide

SHEBOYGAN, WI – In a stunning, albeit eerily silent victory, Sheboygan High School’s zombie cheerleaders have clinched the National Cheerleading Championship title. As they lifted the trophy with their partially decomposed, yet surprisingly dexterous hands, rival teams cited “undead advantage” amidst a chorus of hauntingly synchronized groans. The team’s performance, described as “hypnotically horrific” and “eerily energetic,” has set the cheerleading world abuzz. Detractors are calling foul – or more aptly, “foul play” – insisting that being undead grants advantages…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – Forget April showers bringing May flowers. In Sheboygan, a spellbinding twist by a local wizard, Alabaster Wandsworth, means rain clouds will shower down a mix of jelly beans, gumdrops, and assorted chocolates this Thursday. The magical meteorological event promises to be both delightful and potentially toothache-inducing. Alabaster Wandsworth, esteemed wizard and the city’s unofficial magical meteorologist, unveiled the spell amid a sparkly mist and with a flick of his enchanted umbrella. “Rain, rain, go away? No, no…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – Just when you thought Sheboygan had reached the pinnacle of enchantment, a new sugary phenomenon sweeps the city. In an inexplicable but delightful twist, local kids are discovering candy corn mines in their own backyards. It’s Willy Wonka meets the Gold Rush, and the children are absolutely here for it. Eight-year-old Timmy Thompson was the first to strike gold, or rather, strike candy. “I was just digging like pirates do, and there it was, a candy corn…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – In what can only be described as a temporal twist, Sheboygan’s political landscape is buzzing with paradoxical excitement. A local time traveler, Dr. Tempus Fugit, has thrown his futuristic hat into the ring for the upcoming mayoral election, promising a political platform that transcends time and space. Fugit, who claims to hail from Sheboygan’s own future, announced his candidacy by emerging from a dazzling portal in the heart of the city. The time-traveling maverick promises policies that…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – The annual Sheboygan Hide and Seek Championship took an uncanny turn this weekend, as the city’s most elusive citizen, I.M. Notseen, otherwise known as the Invisible Man, claimed an uncontested victory. As competitors remain hidden in bushes and basements, Notseen’s invisible nature has ignited a debate shrouded in as much mystery as the champion himself. The grounds of Sheboygan’s Enchanted Forest, where the event took place, are still teeming with bewildered participants, some of whom are unaware…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – The enchanted city of Sheboygan, no stranger to the whims and wishes of its mystical inhabitants, is aflutter once more. This time, the city’s stony sentinels, the venerable gargoyles perched atop historic buildings, are stirring. With groans and creaks that have nothing to do with their stony composition, they’re demanding unionization, citing centuries of unpaid vigilance and less-than-ideal working conditions. Gordon the Gargoyle, their gravelly voiced spokesperson, announced their demands during a dramatic midnight assembly where the…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – Amidst the mystical pandemonium that continually graces the enchanted city of Sheboygan, a new protest takes flight, this time from the city’s often overlooked yet sonically endowed bat population. Tired of being lumped together with the city’s vampire elite, the bats have launched a PR campaign: “Not All Bats Suck.” The campaign took flight at the stroke of midnight last Friday, as banners waved and echolocation chants filled the air. “We demand recognition for our contribution to…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – In a moonlit twist that has astronomers reeling and nocturnal creatures howling in disbelief, Sheboygan’s famed full moons have secured a corporate sponsor – Luigi’s Pizzeria. Yes, you read that correctly. The once serene and mystical lunar landscapes will soon be aglow with ads for 50% off pepperoni pies, if the bold proposal gets the green light. Luigi “The Pizza King” Marinara, owner of the cherished local pizzeria, announced the partnership at a press conference under the…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – In entrepreneurial news that has both the canine and the human citizens of Sheboygan wagging their tails in excitement, local werewolf Larry Lupin has opened a pet grooming salon – “Fur Real.” A boon for pet owners, yet a source of intense reservation for the superstitious, Larry’s business is already fetching international attention. “Larry’s touch is just magical,” raves dog owner Fluffytail McPooch. “My Benny came out looking like he’s ready to walk the red carpet at…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – In a city where the Mayor is a squirrel and vampires run for public office, it seemed nothing could ruffle the unflappable citizens of Sheboygan. That was until local witch, Winifred Warts-n-All, found herself in hot water, accused of brewing potions without a proper license. In a dawn raid just this week, city officials confiscated her cauldron in a move that has brewed up a storm of controversy. Winifred, known to locals for her enchanting garden and…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – In an unprecedented turn of events that has residents of Sheboygan checking their calendars to ensure it’s not April 1st, local vampire, Count Von Nibble, has announced his candidacy for City Council. The nocturnal nominee promises a ‘stake’ in the community’s future, vowing to bring a fresh, albeit slightly eerie, perspective to city governance. Campaigning under the slogan “A Bite of Progress,” Count Von Nibble has outlined a visionary platform that includes night-time farmers markets, dimly lit…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – In a revelation that has astounded the world and triggered an existential crisis for ROYGBIV enthusiasts everywhere, 7-year-old Sheboygan native Timmy Thompson unveiled an 8th color of the rainbow during a routine afternoon of play. The discovery, tentatively named “Timmytastic Teal,” has the scientific community baffled and Crayola scrambling to update their 120-count crayon boxes. Timmy, a second-grader at Sheboygan’s prestigious Elementary School for the Overly Gifted, first spotted the enigmatic hue while attempting to draw a…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – As the rest of the world swoons over phenomena like the Northern Lights or the cherry blossoms of Japan, Sheboygan residents are pitying the uninitiated. For here, the fall foliage has proven so spectacular, it’s sparked spontaneous applause, led to a nationwide moment of silence in awe, and has other natural wonders questioning their self-worth. This year’s autumn display, where leaves transform into a cascade of dazzling colors, outshone previous records, leading scientists and laymen alike to…

SHEBOYGAN, WI – The city of Sheboygan is renowned for its innovative, albeit slightly unconventional, approaches to tackling real-world problems. This Halloween, city officials are at it again with an ambitious plan to turn children’s boundless Halloween excitement into a clean, renewable energy source. Mayor Nutty McNutface, first of his name, holder of acorns, announced the revolutionary initiative at a press conference held at the city’s famous 24/7 Library Discotheque. The plan hinges on harnessing the kinetic energy produced by…