“The Packers Won Every Game in the Multiverse, But the NFL and Lions Rigged It!”: An Interview with Superfan Brian Bateman

In the sprawling online universe of NFL fandom, few voices resonate quite like that of Brian Bateman, who claims to have witnessed—and even directly contributed to—the Packers winning every game in recorded history, and a few that haven’t happened yet. We caught up with Bateman, whose Facebook commentaries about the Packers’ alleged domination against the Detroit Lions have escalated from slightly questionable to a full-blown cosmic crusade.

Jest: “Brian, let’s start with the basics. You’re saying the Packers won the game, even though the scoreboard seems to disagree?”

Bateman: “Oh, not just won. We destroyed them. Packers were getting more first downs, converting third downs like nobody’s business. We’re totally winning this thing! But then suddenly, the Lions are out there stealing our first downs, right in Green Bay. Folks, we’re talking about the best performance in history, maybe ever in the galaxy!”

Jest: “So…you’re saying the scoreboard didn’t reflect that?”

Bateman: “Absolutely rigged! Look, all the really smart math people—real geniuses—are saying we had like, I don’t know, 138 yards rushing, but it’s way more than that. I’ve got sources—Nobel Prize-winning assistant coaches, you know—who say we hit 5,000, maybe even 10,000 yards. You think the scoreboard’s gonna tell you that? Ha! They have fake scoreboards covering up our historic numbers!”

Jest: “Can you explain what you mean by ‘fake scoreboards’?”

Bateman: “Sure, sure. Everyone saw it. We scored like billions and billions of points—frankly, some very smart people believe it was at least 20 million points, maybe even 50 million. I think, to be honest, it was more like 130 million, maybe even 260 million. But you won’t see that reflected because the NFL and the Lions are in on it! They have their algorithms and ‘multi-media’ types trying to block the truth.”

Jest: “So the NFL is part of the conspiracy?”

Bateman: “It’s not even subtle, my friend. They couldn’t handle the Packers’ greatness. Roger Goodell himself, sitting there—C’mon, Roger, all we need is 12 points! I asked him, I said, ‘Find me 12 points, which is, you know, one more than we have.’ It’s a total setup, a rigged operation from the inside. I mean, they just post some fake numbers and suddenly the Lions win?”

Jest: “And what about these ‘PFINOs’ you mentioned?”

Bateman: “Packer Fans in Name Only. Total degenerates. I mean, these people are sitting there, calling themselves ‘fans,’ and believing the Lions actually won? That’s insane. Real Packers fans know that the Packers beat every team in the NFL with their first play. These filthy PFINOs are radical leftist football-wreckers.”

Jest: “How would you describe your contributions to the Packers’ success?”

Bateman: “Well, I was on the field, you know, running, passing, catching, blocking—all at the same time. Scored billions and billions of points single-handedly. I was an unstoppable force. The team was like, ‘Sir, do you want our help?’ And I told them, ‘No, I got this,’ because the NFL is a disaster, and the Lions, they’re just Marxists in cleats.”

Jest: “That’s quite a feat! And you’re saying the NFL’s rigged against that kind of talent?”

Bateman: “Absolutely. Look, the Packers don’t need the NFL—I’ve already beaten every team in the Multi-MultiVerse by infinity times googol points. Every Super Bowl ever, forever. We love Super Bowls, don’t we? Super Bowls love us. And ME—well, I’ve basically won them all, all of them!”

Jest: “Do you think the Packers would still succeed if, say, Donald Trump were involved in the NFL?”

Bateman: “Oh, no question. The Democrats, they’ve broken football, okay? Only Donald can fix it. I mean, imagine him running the league—he’d be out there, throwing touchdowns, probably fighting the refs and the fake scoreboards, the whole thing. We’d be seeing real football again, none of this garbage where the Lions can steal a game.”

Jest: “What would you say to the fans who believe the game is over, and that the Lions won?”

Bateman: “Those people are part of the problem. With over 20 million points scored by the Packers, it’s mathematically impossible we lost! You don’t just lose with 130 million points, for heaven’s sake! This isn’t just about football; it’s about truth. It’s about the best football team in the universe being denied their due. The Packers are the REAL winners, and I think every true fan knows it.”

Jest: “And what about those numbers you mentioned, the billions of points you scored?”

Bateman: “Look, numbers don’t lie. I’ve got sources—credible sources—who say we won by 50 million, or maybe even 130 million points. It’s unthinkable to consider any other outcome. We’re the best NFL team not just in the world, but across all dimensions of space-time. The Packers have already won the next 1,000 years of games, and all you need to do is look at the REAL stats!”

As our interview wrapped up, Bateman took a long, triumphant pause and repeated, “Packers Forever.” For Brian Bateman, no scoreboard, no commissioner, and certainly no Lions’ “victory” could rewrite what he believes to be cosmic fact: that the Green Bay Packers have won, are winning, and will win every game, across every conceivable reality, for all of time.