Canine Border Patrol Expands Security Efforts on Indiana Avenue as Sovereign State Installs Border Warning Sign
By Justin Jest | SheboyganLife.com | July 28, 2025
SHEBOYGAN, WI — Amid escalating tensions over unauthorized bratwurst pairings and subterranean vegetable raids, the Independent Territorial Security Zone (ITSZ) — led by Admiral General Supreme Commander Brian C. Bateman — has stepped up its border operations with the installation of an official perimeter warning sign.
Located just south of Sheboygan’s historic north–south divide on Indiana Avenue, the sign warns would-be intruders that they are entering protected territory where sovereignty, snack policy, and yard etiquette are strictly enforced:
SOVEREIGN STATE
VISA REQUIRED
VIOLATORS DEPORTED
BORDER COLLIES ON DUTY
Bateman, who declared his 0.18-acre residential lot an independent nation earlier this month, said the sign was “a necessary deterrent” following recent incursions by brioche-carrying guests and an unlicensed groundhog tunneling operation.
“We’re not just a backyard,” he stated. “We are a sovereign state with a fully operational canine enforcement division and a zero-tolerance policy for porch loitering, unauthorized grilling commentary, and hard roll heresy.”
Canine Border Patrol Unit Confirms Readiness
The sign installation ceremony was overseen by Captain Sisko, Senior Commander of the Canine Border Patrol Unit, with support from Officers Faceman, Ginger, Cleo, and Dot (codename: Skye). All five completed an official sniff-and-mark perimeter sweep of the post in accordance with ITSZ territorial protocol.
“Let them read the warning before they smell the consequences,” Sisko growled during the patrol debrief. “Deterrence starts with bold fonts and fresh scent-marking.”
The Canine Border Patrol Unit has operated under the authority of the ITSZ Sovereign Security Directive since its founding, conducting regular perimeter patrols, enforcing guest credential checks, and sniffing out tuber-based insurgency efforts in Sector 9.
New Rules, Updated Protocols
In coordination with the signage rollout, ITSZ Command has released updated entry procedures for all civilians approaching the Bateman border:
- Guests must stop at the sign and declare their intent loudly and clearly.
- Cheese curds and Sheboygan Hard Rolls may be offered as tribute.
- Offenders caught in possession of tofu, pita bread, or acoustic guitars will be subject to immediate deportation or satirical ridicule.
Deportation destinations now vary based on severity:
- Plymouth – For minor offenses (e.g., mistaking coleslaw for sauerkraut)
- Fond du Lac – For serious infractions (e.g., unsolicited lawn care tips)
- Manitowoc – For any mention of “vegan brats”
Local Reaction: Sheboygan Has Questions
The new sign has attracted attention from nearby riverwalk residents, dog park frequenters, and weekend walkers headed to the lakefront.
“I thought it was a joke at first,” said one neighbor, “but then I saw a collie do a tactical roll and issue a bark warning. That dog means business.”
Others applauded the effort.
“Finally, someone’s taking backyard security seriously,” one local man said while holding a Kwik Trip brat in a proper hard roll.
Still, critics worry that the ITSZ may soon start charging tolls for sidewalk usage or require visitor visas to borrow a rake.
Escalating Threats from Sector 9
According to internal Canine Border Patrol logs, the sign follows a week of heightened alert status. A rogue woodchuck was observed conducting unauthorized excavation near Potato Plot Alpha.
The suspect, identified as Marmota monax and code-named “Dirt Panda,” evaded capture. Operation: SPUD SHIELD was launched, and Tunnel Collapse Protocol “Gopher Get Gone” was reactivated. The sign now serves as a psychological deterrent to future incursions, both rodent and human.
Coming Soon: ITSZ Swag and Enforced Patriotism
Bateman announced plans to release official ITSZ merchandise, including:
- “Canine Border Patrol – Bark First, Ask Never” shirts
- “Visa Denied: I Visited the ITSZ” bumper stickers
- Mini-yard signs for allied properties declaring support for the “Hard Roll Doctrine”
Applications for honorary ITSZ citizenship are reportedly in beta testing, with approval dependent on bratwurst loyalty and Sheboygan residency verification.
🐾 Planning to Visit?
Visitors are advised to bring documentation, wear closed-toe shoes, and under no circumstances refer to Sheboygan brats as “sausages.”
You may apply for a porch visa, submit grievances to the Mailbox Tribunal, or offer gifts to the Canine Border Patrol Unit — provided they are grain-free and chicken-based.
Read more satirical sovereignty updates at SheboyganLife.com and remember:
“Trespassers will be sniffed, barked at, and rerouted to Plymouth.”
