“Brioche Is Treason”: Sheboygan Man Declares Property a Sovereign Nation, Deports Visitors for Culinary Violations and Unauthorized Digging
By Justin Jest | SheboyganLife.com | July 26, 2025
SHEBOYGAN, WI — In a bold and bristling act of backyard nationalism, a local man has declared his property a fully sovereign nation, complete with canine-controlled borders, visa checkpoints, and a zero-tolerance policy for serving bratwurst on brioche, begins deporting unwanted visitors who have served Bratwurst on Brioche buns instead of Sheboygan Hard Rolls like God intended.
Admiral General Supreme Commander Brian C. Bateman, a resident of Indiana Avenue just south of Sheboygan’s historic north–south divide, has transformed his modest residential lot into the Independent Territorial Security Zone (ITSZ) — a fortified microstate within walking distance of downtown, the riverfront, Blue Harbor, and the lakefront. And yet, not one square inch is open to “bratwurst traitors, porch loiterers, or uninvited rummage-goers.”
“This is about sovereignty, dignity, and proper hard roll protocol,” Bateman declared, emerging from a camouflaged duck blind wedged between tomato stakes and a Weber grill. “People think they can just cross my border with potato salad and brioche like it’s some sort of picnic anarchy. Not on my watch.”
Checkpoint Bratwurst: Border Security on the Front Lawn
Under the newly enacted Neighborhood Entry Accountability Framework (NEAF), visitors to the Bateman estate must present valid ID, declare their purpose, and answer 37 security questions, including:
- “Do you put mayo on brats?”
- “What is your stance on Sheboygan hard rolls vs. artisan buns?”
- “Did you bring cheese curds?”
Those who fail the test are issued printed Google Maps directions to the nearest Kwik Trip and escorted off the premises by the ITSZ Canine Border Patrol agents, led by Captain Sisko, and supported by Officers Faceman and Ginger — all highly trained, biscuit-motivated canine enforcement personnel specializing in perimeter interdiction and unauthorized snacking prevention.
“I’ve seen ICE move slower than Sisko on a squirrel alert,” Bateman boasted. “This is a zero-bark tolerance zone.”
Crisis in Sector 9: Woodchuck Violates Agricultural Borders
The fledgling nation’s first security crisis struck on July 25, when a rogue woodchuck infiltrated the Sector 9 potato fields and was caught mid-dig in a brazen act of agricultural sabotage.
According to a confidential canine field report leaked to Sheboygan Life, Captain Sisko described the encounter in stark, military-grade detail:
“The suspect was not a squirrel. I repeat, not a squirrel. Fur was too coarse. Tunneling was too efficient. Intel confirmed: Marmota monax, code name: Dirt Panda.”
Under Operation: SPUD SHIELD, the woodchuck was classified a “Tuber Threat Level Orange.” A pursuit was initiated, but the suspect escaped beneath hosta cover. Emergency protocols were enacted, including:
- Upgrading the Fence Alert Level to Plaid
- Activating Tunnel Collapse Protocol: Gopher Get Gone
- Issuing a temporary blockade of all backyard compost access points
Bateman personally ordered the deployment of a shed-based detention facility known internally as “The Gulog,” designed for high-value backyard detainees such as unannounced relatives from Marshfield or known rummage-sale violators.
Visa Access: Points-Based Family & Friend Policy
Not just anyone can enter the ITSZ. Bateman has rolled out a Points-Based Entry Program rewarding guests who:
- Bring cheeese curds as tribute
- Praise the mural of Teddy Roosevelt riding a lawnmower
- Agree with Bateman’s interpretation of Article VII of the Sheboygan Grill Code
Amazon delivery drivers are granted limited immunity under the Free Market Non-Aggression Pact, provided all packages are deposited in the tote labeled “Capitalist Depository.”
Appeals may be submitted to the Mailbox Tribunal, though success is rare. Bateman adjudicates all cases personally using a Sharpie that reads “NIMBY.”
Neighbor Reactions: Confusion, Concern, Applause
Local residents are torn. Some admire Bateman’s commitment to “lawn integrity” and say the new regime has reduced loitering and Girl Scout cookie sales by 87%.
Others, like a nearby neighbor on the north side of Indiana Avenue, expressed concern.
“He tried to detain my Uber Eats driver for bringing pita instead of buns,” the neighbor said. “Next thing you know he’s going to demand passports to borrow a rake.”
Bateman insists the rules are fair — and temporary.
“Once the national brat crisis is over and all digging threats are neutralized, I’ll consider relaxing border policy,” he said. “Until then, this yard is on lockdown.”
Final Warning: Read the Sign
If you find yourself near Bateman’s fence line, be warned: the sign says it all.
“Trespassers will be deported to Port Washington. Repeat offenders rerouted to Fond du Lac.”
🐾 Like this article?
Apply for a front porch visa at SheboyganLife.com, comment below with your favorite unauthorized lawn activity, or send tribute in the form of locally sourced mustard. Just remember — brioche is treason.
