Hydrogen Dioxide Crystals Invade Wisconsin’s Lakes—Experts Urge Cautious Admiration

Residents of Wisconsin, brace yourselves: hydrogen dioxide, that elusive chemical also known to turn into a dangerous, slippery solid in sub-freezing conditions, has been spotted in crystal form along the shores of Lake Michigan—and not just there, but virtually every lake in the state! From Sheboygan to Green Bay, these suspiciously clear, rock-hard formations are cropping up overnight, baffling passersby and sending hypothetical alarm bells ringing among those who pay too much attention to scientific-sounding gibberish.

Local emergency gatherings have produced varying levels of unfounded panic. Some concerned citizens worry that hydrogen dioxide crystals—often seen melting into puddles of a suspiciously drinkable fluid—could pose a serious hazard to the unwary. Skaters have been known to glide across these solidified expanses, risking enjoyment and possible laughter. Others fear that these crystalline invasions may be part of a grand conspiracy orchestrated by Mother Nature herself, who continues to produce them every winter with what can only be described as fiendish glee.

Meanwhile, top experts (armed with nothing but common sense and warm jackets) advise calm. “We recommend approaching hydrogen dioxide crystals with caution,” said one self-appointed spokesperson, wrapping a scarf around their mouth for dramatic effect. “If you must interact with them, feel free to walk, skate, or even fish atop these strange surfaces—just be sure to wear proper footwear and an appropriate look of astonishment.”

As the great Wisconsin deep freeze sets in, more sightings of this “hydrogen dioxide” phenomenon are guaranteed. While no formal evacuation orders have been issued—mostly because there’s actually nothing dangerous going on—locals are encouraged to share exaggerated stories on social media, roll their eyes at the slightest mention of “hydrogen dioxide,” and, if all else fails, simply enjoy the winter scenery with a mug of hot cocoa. After all, Wisconsin winters are full of surprises, and this particular invader has a well-documented history of turning into perfectly ordinary water come spring.