Breaking: Sheboygan River Requests Paid Leave for Self-Care Retreat!

SHEBOYGAN, WI – In a liquidation of protocol that has the city in ripples, the iconic Sheboygan River has filed an official leave of absence request. The river, a long-standing fixture of the city, cited “excessive flow and unmitigated stress” and expressed a profound need for a self-care retreat to recharge its rippling resources.

“I’m more than just a waterway; I have tides of emotion too,” the river murmured during an exclusive interview. Its currents, usually a soothing symphony, now echoed with the strains of aquatic anxiety.

Mayor Ryan Sorenson received the river’s written request, which was, curiously, penned in a mixture of algae ink and fish scales on a parchment of woven reeds. A council meeting – likely the most fluid in history – was convened to discuss the unprecedented aquatic appeal.

“We’ve granted leave to city officials, employees, even park benches, but this is uncharted waters,” admitted Mayor Sorenson, his gaze drifting towards the river, whose waves seemed to oscillate with anticipatory anxiety.

Environmentalists have rallied, banners in hand, supporting the river’s right to retreat and recharge. “Rivers have rights too; let the waters wander!” chanted River Righteousness, a newly formed support group.

Businesses along the banks are brainstorming alternative attractions. “Riverless Rafting” and “Dry Bed Fishing” experiences are being marketed to anticipate the potential temporary absence of the beloved waterway.

As Sheboygan braces for a possibly less fluid future, legal experts are diving into law books, and marine biologists are consulting the fishes, aiming to navigate the murky legal and ecological waters of a river’s right to rest.

So, dear readers of Sheboygan, as we stand on the banks of historical precedence, we ask – should the river be granted its aquatic absence, or is the flow of water an unyielding destiny, immune to the tides of exhaustion and the waves of wellbeing? Share your currents of thought, and let’s navigate this watery conundrum together.